Friday night and you are in an empty apartment, alone. It’s unusual for you to be indoors on a Friday night. As you are trying to enjoy the movie you’re watching, flashbacks of the beautiful moments you shared with your ex-boyfriend crowd your mind and you eventually give in as the TV images slowly blur.
It finally sinks in that you are single. Yet another failed relationship. As you try to reassure yourself he was not worth it, just like the others, you can’t help but ask yourself WHY. Why are you – yet again – alone? Was he to blame? What did you do wrong? You are not alone. Most women have had similar experiences. Have a look at this list and see if some of these reasons apply to you:
The timing was wrong
Timing is never wrong when it comes to finding love and being happy, at least in my world. Think about it. You realise that during your relationship, you never really sat down and discussed your future plans or whether either of you was ready for commitment. You were engrossed in fulfilling the only rule you had: “Have fun; live in the moment”. However, whereas you were ready to settle down, you fell in love with someone who was not ready for a long-term commitment.
A relationship often ends because the man isn’t ready to get serious. Another ends because he’s getting serious too soon.
“It would be perfect,” we moan to our friends, “if only this were five years from now (some indistinct time in the future) when we did not have these barriers in relationships.” Timing seems to be the invariable third party in all of our relationships. And yet we never stop to consider why we let timing play such a dramatic role in our lives.
In the case where men are not emotionally available, maybe he has not reached his goals. He may seem or even state he is not ready to commit to a relationship that would be the wrong timing.
You were too maternal
Women tend to be maternal by nature. But how much is too much? You always reminded him to brush his teeth. You were so concerned about his diet and his drinking that you’d offer to cook healthier meals. You told him he was drinking too much and tried to set limits. But never felt like you were mothering him. You were doing the right thing as a girlfriend. You wanted to be different. You thought you’d earn points fast for being the most concerned partner. You constantly felt the need to rescue him from the ‘manhole’ he was living in. You may have failed to notice how disorienting that was. He never really complained so you felt he needed you. According to one lady I was chatting with, her ex-boyfriend would often ask for space to ‘reflect’ on their relationship. This should have raised the red flag.
There’s a widely held belief that every man is looking for a ‘mother figure’ who will nurture and care for him. This, with time, tends to take away all the fun and thrill of the relationship.
Men, subconsciously expect women to have two sides. Your maternal side should show as much as your sexy side. Those two aspects clash because they are very different and are expected to coexist in the same person. Ladies, when he tried to have an intimate moment, you were busy thinking of where he placed his shoes and spoiled the moment. I am talking to you.
Try and balance those sides and things will be different.
You were trying to ‘fix’ him
A notion has been passed down from our mothers that ladies should create their ‘ideal’ men. This contributes to the belief every man needs fixing. This is not entirely true but it has created an obsession with wanting to transform him into your perfect man. You can go overboard and suppress his personality.
You may think his ways are too extravagant, that he should use his time, money and energy elsewhere.
Janet’s boyfriend has a tradition. After many months of hard work, he goes for holiday and spends a huge amount of money to unwind and have fun. Janet doesn’t think he should. She wants him to use that money on more constructive ‘projects’ that will generate income.
Few men appreciate that. Some take it as if you are trying to fix what is not broken. They find it offensive and the conflicts eventually lead to a breakup.
You kept making unfair comparisons
I believe honesty is extremely important in every relationship. I also think there are a few things you shouldn’t tell your partner about your ex. For example, my friend Angie would frequently mention to her current boyfriend how her ex made a lot of money, had a great job and took her to fancy restaurants. This made her boyfriend feel inferior. He had the impression that he was not meeting her standards.
You know how sensitive men are when it comes to money. You wouldn’t want him to feel that he’s not able to take care of you or your future children. That’s why I think you should conceal all the information about how much money your ex made or how amazing he was at his job. He is your EX for a reason, and all those things are not that important.
You were too needy
Codependency means emotional dependence. It’s the deep, core issue behind neediness. It pushes people away. You lose your mystery, awesomeness, your challenging traits. You become a pushover.
You are afraid of losing your partner, therefore you look past his imperfections. This is dangerous because it can cause lack of emotional control, instability and depression. In the end, he leaves.
Sandra always complained her boyfriend wouldn’t call her enough in a day. She felt ignored and neglected. She did not understand he was busy. He complained she was nagging and considered breaking up unless she changed.
Sandra had to come to terms with the fact she was too needy. This is not easy for us ladies. I want you to understand codependencyis an unhealthy way to live. You might think you’re being a ‘great partner’ and a ‘good person’ but the fact remains that being a codependent causes more harm than good.
You didn’t understand him
Mary could not understand why her husband complimented everyone he came across. “I love your shoes, that’s a very nice coat you have on,” he would comment. Mary always felt he was too friendly and annoying. She would shush him every time he complimented anyone.
Mary did not understand her husband was a naturally social person. She made him feel unappreciated. He even stopped complimenting her when she had good hair, as he did before. This created arguments and insecurity that led to their divorce.
You expect perfection. If you’re the type who basically marks her cards as soon as conflict arises, you have the misguided belief that relationships are ‘right’ if you don’t have conflicts, and you shouldn’t have to ‘work’ at them. You may also have unrealistic expectations and believe soulmates and the ‘right’ people are people who say, do, think, and act as you expect 24/7, 365 days of the year. Of course, when they don’t, you can feel it legitimises reasons to opt out or to create drama.
